Mending - An open letter to my ex

Over the years it’s taken me a long time to understand how to mend myself after a tough experience. I’ve spent the last five years reading about mental toughness and the importance of keeping your mind frame in the right state. Our minds are capable of amazing things. They can excel us in ways we never imagined or destroy us and that line can be a very thin one at times.

Positive self talk is extremely important and I’m not referring to the lack of self awareness type of self talk. I am talking about the self talk you deserve to give yourself. The positive affirmations that create an elevating mindset to take you to the next level of you. The confidence you deserve to achieve your goals. I have been lucky enough to connect with some amazing mentors who have always supported me and guided me to success in a professional setting.

In a personal setting, I had no direct guidance on relationships and how to overcome heartbreak. I hate the saying “time heals all wounds”. I am not a woman who just waits or doesn’t want to be proactive about changing. So when I was battling this break up, I turned to everything. I am talking about self-care apps, meditation apps, positive affirmations, and I even consulted a Reiki Master because I do believe in spirit guides. I will get into the spirit guides at a later date but it’s not for everyone.

I was reading articles and books to try and find clarity about why I was having a hard time accepting something that was so real. I probably was in denial about being in denial but I spent some much time stuck in my head, tearing myself apart. This breakup was different than previous ones and I didn’t just bounce back like I always had. One day, the breakup app that I desperately downloaded had a daily activity of writing a burn letter to your ex. I was less than enthusiastic about it but what the fuck else was I going to do?

So I wrote my burn letter. I had tears streaming down my face, sobbing like a big baby, as if the world had ended. When in fact, it had not. News alert, literally nothing stops when you are going through a bad breakup. Although, a pause button would be nice at times. After I was done, I felt numb. I had come to some realizations that I hadn’t addressed before and understood that I was extremely sad. I usually never allow myself to be sad because life could be so much worse but this time I had actually let myself be really sad. The kind of sad that you see on a romcom where the girl stops washing her hair and drinks excessively. Think the movie, The Holiday with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, only I don’t immediately find love during my self mending time. That would just be too easy. Don’t worry though, I’ve started washing my hair again and the drinking… well it’s minimal at least.

In case you were wondering if I was going to share my letter. I am. Now, I know the point of a burn letter isn’t to share it but I’ve never really followed rules. If anything, maybe it will shed some light on how therapeutic this actually can be. You might be surprised about what you learn about yourself and if anything, at least feel forgiveness after going through something tough.

 

An open letter to my ex:

At each major breakup in my life I’ve always felt anger. I was angry that my first love got addicted to drugs and took his pain out on me. I was angry at my second love because he never really appreciate me for who I was. I was angry at all the fuck boys who tried to come into my life and for thinking they were entitled to something that they didn’t deserve.

Now my third love, I thought would last. I was fully confident that we could conquer anything. I felt loved for being the strong independent woman that I was. I felt accepted for my flaws. I felt supported by my decisions that I made. I felt the things that I had wanted to feel from someone for so long that I stopped wanting more. I stopped having expectations. I ignored confusion as a sign of weakness. I stopped having the expectation that I should only surround myself by people who lifted me up. I started justifying that people couldn’t help themselves. I began to accept things that normally, I would have never accepted.

I stopped these expectations of myself because I did not believe that I could receive more from someone. I stopped wanting what I deserved because I was given just enough to keep me content. I ignored red flags that I previously wouldn’t have. I accepted views that weren’t my own. I did this because I was settling. I had allowed myself to get comfortable with just enough. Is just enough what I deserve? No. I’m sad that I allowed myself to accept anything less than what I deserve.

When you left me... I was devastated. Not angry... like all the other times. I couldn’t understand why. Being angry always helped me heal faster. Move on quicker. I spent days recalling conversations and moments as if I had missed something. I had even at one point thought that I wasn’t enough. I didn’t understand why I had become so sad.

After weeks of tears and denial, I realized that I was sad that I settled. The strong, independent woman I had always pride myself to be had settled. I had limited myself to fit a mold because I was getting just enough. For the first time, I was scared of losing something that I limited myself to make sure it wouldn’t leave. But it did anyways. All that was left was a sad, broken girl. She had forgotten herself and who she was before she met you. The fearless woman that had conquered moments in life that compared to mountains had become self conscious and weak. A person I did not recognize when looking in the mirror.

I don’t want to say thank you for the pain but I won’t forget what it felt like to lose myself. I won't ever forget how just enough isn’t really enough. I won’t forget that I cannot be put in a box without a piece of me dying.

I deserve more. Not from you but from myself. 

- KM