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You Can Just Be Tired

I was driving home from work exhausted, knowing what was and wasn’t waiting for me when I walked through the door. There is a particular kind of relief in burying your face deep into someone’s shoulder. Deep enough that you don’t have to look at them. Deep enough that, for a moment, you can pretend they cannot see how completely you are falling apart. Sometimes the craving for that kind of safety is so intense that you can feel it simply from the memory of having experienced it before. That one moment when everything felt okay. You were sheltered from the world, and there was a sense of release from all the heavy things you had been carrying along the way. Sometimes life doesn’t knock you down. It simply keeps adding weight until standing becomes its own form of survival. You can feel the heaviness in your eyes. You enter survival mode focused only on reaching the next task and completing it. Always moving. Always catching up. Never quite arriving anywhere that feels like rest. When pe...
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Potential Is Not A Promise

I was driving, listening to Olivia Dean and trying to dissociate from reality because life has felt especially heavy lately. The car is usually where I become trapped in my deepest thoughts, and this time I found myself thinking about the versions of people we create in our minds. Who they could be not necessarily who they are. We imagine their possibilities, their achievements and all the roles they could someday fill. We see everything they might become if they would only apply themselves, recognize their potential or finally decide to change. Then we become attached to the idea of who we want that person to be for us even when, in reality, they cannot or will not ever be that person. Eventually, disappointment settles into the space between who they are and who we imagined they would become. But sometimes those expectations were never spoken aloud. They were never understood or agreed upon. They were simply stories we told ourselves, reasons to stay, wait and give them a little more...
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Mostly Just an Idea

I saw something recently that said, "Seeing me in person hardly ever happens, I am mostly just an idea."  It made me ask myself - How much of us exists in other people's minds versus who we actually are? The idea other people have of you. No idea is the same. No interaction is the same. The people around me form a complete story from incomplete information. Someone at work knows one version. A longtime friend knows another. Someone who only sees Instagram gets another. Someone who has heard a story about  me may have constructed an entire version without really knowing me at all. All things that I now realize are none of my business.  Then there is also the idea I have of myself. Who I want to be and try to be. She is fun, lighthearted and full of energy. The involved and engaged Mother, hard worker, reliable friend, and at one point a loving Wife. I try so hard to show up consistently, lead with empathy but lately, I haven't always been her. A different version of m...
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Becoming & Unbecoming

I think the biggest feeling, as I sit in my feelings…because that's what you do these days. I teach my kids in the best amateur way possible to sit with their feelings and now here I am sitting with mine. I might be just a little bit heartbroken. Not a lot. Just a little bit. Before, in my last big heartbreak which was in 2019 - I was devastated. I think that was because it was only one person holding my heart. This time there were two little people holding my heart in addition to a big one who is exiting in a big way.  I know that my two little children have no idea they are holding my heart and keeping it safe. I show up for them even when I am fighting back tears with pain in my chest from the immense stress of divorce. I look at their small faces and see happiness, laughter, and innocence. A reminder of how simple life can be when lately at times it feels just oh so big.  When I became a Mother, I just couldn't comprehend how strong my littles ones would make me. One way i...
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Hot Divorcee Summer

Well, this is awkward. The last time I wrote here, I was six months pregnant, nesting, manifesting in isolation and apparently very confident that I had some idea where my life was headed. Six years later, I have two little boys, a career I care deeply about, significantly stronger opinions about boundaries and I'm getting divorced. So naturally, I decided it was time to start again. Welcome to Hot Divorcee Summer. How does that song go? It's 7 pm Friday. It's 95 degrees... Before anyone gets too excited, this isn't going to become a divorce diary. There will be no weekly villain report, no cryptic play-by-play, and no attempt to convince the internet that one person was right and the other was wrong. Some stories belong to more than one person. Some belong to my children. And some simply don't belong on the internet. But my story still belongs to me. And somewhere between the life I thought I was building and the life I'm building now, I realized I missed writi...
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Manifesting in Isolation

I’ve tried to start this entry a few different times but find myself avoiding this blog. I’ve really just taken these last 5 weeks to just exist. This is a new concept to me, going from a fast paced, busy life, to a quiet, isolated environment.  Using this time to really reflect on who I am and what role I play in this world has made me realize a lot about myself. This feeling of never doing “enough” has completely left me. I have surrendered to the universe telling me to slow down and started listening to what I need to be manifesting for myself.  There at times when we get this feeling that we aren’t accomplishing anything to we must be failing but though you may not be accomplishing what others are, you are still in progress of accomplishing things for yourself. Everyone is on a different path and I decided my path was to use this time to recharge, realign my values, and reach that high vibration that I need to be at in order to show up for myself and others. ...
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Nesting

Nesting. You hear it all the time. A term used by mostly Mom’s to refer it as the urge to clean and organize to prepare for your new baby. I am 6 months pregnant and have hit “nesting mode”. I need to clean out my closet which I have already done twice this year. The problem with the first time is I cleaned it out to create space for the smaller closet I moved into, once I start living with my then boyfriend and now husband. The second time was because I couldn’t find anything and felt like I had nothing to wear. This third time is a mix of I still can’t find anything to wear and then realization that I am not ever going to wear this.  I found myself in bed the other night getting spammed by cute boutique dresses on Instagram. I look at my husband and yell “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GET TROLLED BY CUTE CLOTHES YOU CAN’T EVEN WEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT?! He calmly replies. No.  I mean look at the dress as I shove my iPhone directly into his face. F...
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