Starting over and searching for a pineapple, again

It's December, I'm 30, and just went through a bad breakup. I was completely devastated, depressed and emotionally drained. Break ups are always hard but this one really hit me in a way that I had never been hit before. For three weeks, I checked out on life. I stopped working out, eating, and believing in myself. I found myself reaching in every direction trying to find validation about why my relationship didn't work and what I could do to fix it.
I finally realized that I couldn't fix it. The control freak in me had no control anymore; I was spiraling and giving up on myself. This sent me back to memories of my old relationships, my dating escapades, and finally remembering a blog I tried to start at the ripe age of 25. I searched for my blog and luckily, found it. I enjoyed the sloppy mess that it is and the memories it contained.
 
Only a simple five entries were written and that was all I needed to realize, I need to find myself again. So here I am. Yes, I am leaving the five old entries, as a nice reference for how I was five years ago. I refuse to delete a part of me that was and now, happily show how I've grown into the woman I am today. One reason I stopped writing was because I didn't think someone would want to be with a person who shared so much about life. Now, I've learned you can be the greatest at everything and someone you love, can still choose not to love you. Crazy, right?! Maybe this is why it's important to start sharing again but in a different way than my 25 year-old self would have.
 
 
As I read each entry, I relived the ups and downs of my ten year relationship with my previous ex. I was even kindly reminded about how crazy dating can be and the laughter that comes with it. More importantly, I was reminded that I was back to square one again. Isn't it funny how when you are young you set these ridiculous goals for yourself? Let me share a few examples.
 
I'll be married by 30.
I'll have kids by 30.
I'll have it all and still be a star soccer Mom, while slaying the corporate world.
 
Aren't these laughable!? Why? Because those are all things I have no control over. The reality is that I'm a rock star Aunt, a passionate philanthropist, with a killer body, and have badass job. I'm training for my first bikini competition, participated in Race Across America and celebrated my 30th birthday in Napa Valley. I would say that I am doing okay for not hitting my relationship/children goals.

After this past break up, I called one of my mentors and asked him what I had missed to be in the situation I was in. I'm a smart woman, I could have prevented this from happening to myself. He pointed out that I had wanted something so bad that I was trying to make something that it wasn't. I was settling for something that if it hadn't happened now, years later I would have realized that I had settled. I was just choosing to ignore the signs because I so badly wanted to hit a few goals I had set for myself. What can I say? I am a goal-oriented woman, who always tries to over achieve. Little did I know it would also play against me.


Here is the start of searching for a pineapple, again.

 - KM

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