The seven stages of grieving a breakup


After my 10-year relationship finally ended, I had just turned 27 and decided that I was going to just focus on me. Now it sounds great but it’s hard. It’s hard to be alone when society says to be with someone. Find another one, they tell you. That my dear friends, is exhausting. I will be honest though, my relationship with my ex tore me up. I lost a lot of faith in loyalty and in men. So, for almost three years, I was a single girl. Trust me, there were a few first and second dates here and there but nothing ever stuck. I was committed to myself because no one else was.
When I started just focusing on me, I started to love being alone. My independence was my identity and I was confident for the first time in a long time. I was killing it at work and networking with executives that I never thought I would have exposure to. I was acknowledged as a top young professional which was exactly what I wanted to be. Slaying the career world and enjoying every minute of it. Cue the champagne glasses clinking in the background.
As I turned 29, something hit me. I started noticing that everyone was married. Everyone was starting a family. I was going home alone and waking up alone but at least I had a strong career. I will not downplay the fact that I have amazing friends and family. I was busy every night and every weekend so I technically wasn’t alone, but I felt alone. They would encourage me all the time to get out there and someone will find me.  Ha. Find me. It still makes me laugh and appreciate how optimistic my friends and family are when it comes to finding the one.
When you know, you just know. Or do ever really know?
After being tired of being alone. I decided to move closer to my family and start working for the family business. My nieces mean the world to me so why not take this time to really be the Rockstar Aunt I knew I was. Only after a few months, I met my ex. The next 5 months were amazing. We were making plans as if we were always going to be together and I thought we were.
When we broke up, I fell flat on my face. It’s comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one upset by this. My friends and family really rallied around me. What’s shitty about breakups is the one person who does all the shit is never the one to clean up the mess. It’s the family and friends who are left to pick you back up again. I am grateful for them.
Let me walk you through the 7 stages of grieving a breakup that I learned through my best attempts to validate why I was feeling the way I was feeling.
  1. Desperate for answers - Trying to rationalize what was happening.

  3. Denial - Filling yourself with unrealistic inflated hope.
  4. Bargaining - Forget all logic, I can make this work.
  5. Relapse - Going back only to eventually break up again.
  6. Anger - Experiencing the unknown which leads to fear. Fear results in anger against the other.
  7. Initial Acceptance - Understanding that you aren’t meant to be together.
  8. Redirected Hope - Moving on with life.
I hit the first three, skipped the next two, and have arrived at acceptance while working on redirected hope. Don’t rush me, I’m stubborn. After we broke up, we didn’t talk for a week, because of me. I didn’t want anything to do with him. Then when I couldn’t move on, I decided maybe I need to take a step back and this is something we could work through. Ah denial. The bargaining phase had me hooked for two weeks. He told me I was the one and just needed to end things and receive closure from his ex, so we could move on.  Ha. We move on was more like I’m just going to lead you on. He went back to his ex and went against everything he said that very same day. So, we skipped the relapse which I am appreciative for. I tried to be angry, but my heart just wouldn’t let me. That’s when I received my acceptance. I had done everything I could have done and 100% knew it had nothing to do with me. Closure. I call my friends when I’m lonely and I am just sad because I allowed myself to go through that. More importantly, I went through it with someone who didn’t deserve it. Here I am again, focusing on myself, by myself. Breakups are okay but compromising yourself is not. As far as redirected hope goes, I don’t have hope that I’ll find someone, but I do have the confidence that I will continue achieve amazing things. What is meant for me, will come for me. Pineapples or no pineapples. Now that’s acceptance with maybe a dash of redirected hope. Understanding healing and what you deserve in life is more important than anything. For the women who read this, you are queen. For the men, I see you. We are all on this journey together.
- Wanting a pineapple for everyone.
KM

 

 

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