Stand tall like a Pineapple - I am not my anxiety

When I was 17, I was misdiagnosed for anxiety. It would take another 5 years for doctors to determine that my health issues were actually caused by anxiety. Under severe stress the body can react a number of different ways which can often disguise what’s really going on. Mine was anxiety with a touch of depression and then a dash of PTSD would be added later. Phew… that’s a lot to share. Yes, that’s the anxiety kicking in.

 

Another time, I will go into more detail about the things that I battled in my early 20’s. Those experiences led me to a point where I hit rock bottom and was sent to a psychiatrist to get evaluated. Followed by seeing a phycologist and therapist. Boom. Secret revealed. I had an emotional breakdown at the age of 22 and I’m glad it happened. It’s made me who I am today and that person is a strong, motivated woman.

Now that we got that out of the way. Let’s talk about dating with anxiety. For me it’s been tough, interesting, and hilarious. In a fucked up sort of way. It's also included a lot of drinking.

I’m high functioning but battle severe anxiety and depression. I have found most men don’t want to deal with it. The ones I did actually choose to confide in had a number of different responses.

• “I don’t have the patience to take care of you, when you can’t take care of yourself.”
• “You are weak minded.”
• “I don't understand it because I don’t have it.”
• “I can’t tell you have it. I would have never guessed.”
• “Don’t be dramatic.”

Yikes… all things that really aren’t that helpful or supportive. Living with high-functioning anxiety requires hard work and daily dedication to ensure success. To the average eye, it appears as if I am capable of being able to handle everything that life throws at me. Make no mistake. I am very capable but at times this constant state of battling life, eventually leads to a point of exhaustion, burnout, trouble sleeping, or even health problems.

 

Oh no… a woman who has a weak moment and may need support to get back to her high functioning self? Watch the nervousness unravel by men who don’t know what to do.

 

These weak moments usually consist of me basically shutting down. My body and mind saying, you need a recharge if you want to continue at this pace. Shutting down makes me quiet which is opposite of my usual self. Sometimes I’m sad and that’s also, opposite of my usual self. It can even result to self-negative talk. My close friends nurture me and have patience when I hit these recharge moments but for the most part, I hide. At times, it seems the easiest option because there is no explaining, talking about feelings or being let down because someone doesn’t want to deal with you when you need them. I don’t know why but so many people still have this fear of anxiety and depression. Viewing it as... You are broken. You are weak. You are too much to handle.

It’s scary as a strong female to reveal such a weak part. Will they accept this? Will they look at me differently? Will they be able to understand? All questions that I’ve evaluated a thousand different times, yes, thank you anxiety.

At 30, and after drinking my anxiety away through multiple dates and relationships. I now have accepted me and my high functioning self. If you want the good, you have to accept the bad. I don’t even see my anxiety as bad but it still has a negative view by some. Why? From personal experience it’s because they don’t understand it and don’t take the time to.

It’s lonely at times and you feel isolated as you constantly fight an internal battle alone. For the longest time, I believed that I was too difficult to love because of my high functioning anxiety. Guess what? I am not too difficult, I just was surrounding myself by people who couldn’t handle me. My confidence, strength, determination or anxiety. My anxiety is a small piece of me, though it is always lingering in the background. Waiting for the most inconvenient moment to say hello.

So to those who face this, feel this, or are trying to understand. It will be okay. Just love yourself and eventually it overflow to others loving you too. I know at times it feels as if no one does but self love comes first. The rest will follow.

- There are days when I’m my own pineapple because I need to be. Be your own pineapple on the days you need it too.

KM