Key West, anyone?

After not speaking to my ex for 6 weeks he finally texted me. The night before I was telling my friend it was only a matter of time before he would call. It's our pattern. It's how we function. In our own dysfunctional way.

I was overcome with different emotions. He is the one person I would do anything for no matter how selfish he can be. We are best friends but in a way where I understand him and he will never understand me. He gives so little but to him it's all he can give. I can't hate him for that. I can only be at fault for wanting more from someone who cannot give more.

I am accepting as a friend, but as a wife, I cannot be. I would rather just be alone than to love someone second to my ex or love my ex knowing he will never love me in the same way. He says I am the only one for him and I feel that he is right but it doesn't mean I need to limit myself. I don't know how to be in a relationship with out limiting myself or feeling limited. Being trapped is a terrible feeling. To me that is what relationships are. A feeling of limitations and restrictions.

I have a long history to justify these feelings but where do I stand now? Emotionally trapped by my ex. Does he understand why I would rather just be alone? He wants me to be his wife and have a family but what about my needs? People just take and take, not thinking what they give in return.
Every time we break up, he comes up with a bigger and better way to say I am sorry. This time we are going on a 5 day trip to Key West. No one thinks this is a good idea and it may not be but I really don't give a fuck. I don't tell people what to do in a relationship unless they ask and I am not asking if I can go. I am telling. I want to see him and I have been miserable with out him even though I am miserable with him. It's a completely toxic relationship but it's my relationship. No one else's. Do not try to make my choices for me or act like you know my experiences because you don't.

Is he seeing another girl? Well I really don't care. I am tired of caring. I just want to go and be in the moment for once and not let every one else's bullshit get into my life like a bad infection. So I am going.

I'll let you know how it ends. I am going to Key West. :)

- Giving in and up on pineapples
 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hot Divorcee Summer

Well, this is awkward. The last time I wrote here, I was six months pregnant, nesting, manifesting in isolation and apparently very confident that I had some idea where my life was headed. Six years later, I have two little boys, a career I care deeply about, significantly stronger opinions about boundaries and I'm getting divorced. So naturally, I decided it was time to start again. Welcome to Hot Divorcee Summer. How does that song go? It's 7 pm Friday. It's 95 degrees... Before anyone gets too excited, this isn't going to become a divorce diary. There will be no weekly villain report, no cryptic play-by-play, and no attempt to convince the internet that one person was right and the other was wrong. Some stories belong to more than one person. Some belong to my children. And some simply don't belong on the internet. But my story still belongs to me. And somewhere between the life I thought I was building and the life I'm building now, I realized I missed writi...
Read more

Manifesting in Isolation

I’ve tried to start this entry a few different times but find myself avoiding this blog. I’ve really just taken these last 5 weeks to just exist. This is a new concept to me, going from a fast paced, busy life, to a quiet, isolated environment.  Using this time to really reflect on who I am and what role I play in this world has made me realize a lot about myself. This feeling of never doing “enough” has completely left me. I have surrendered to the universe telling me to slow down and started listening to what I need to be manifesting for myself.  There at times when we get this feeling that we aren’t accomplishing anything to we must be failing but though you may not be accomplishing what others are, you are still in progress of accomplishing things for yourself. Everyone is on a different path and I decided my path was to use this time to recharge, realign my values, and reach that high vibration that I need to be at in order to show up for myself and others. ...
Read more

Nesting

Nesting. You hear it all the time. A term used by mostly Mom’s to refer it as the urge to clean and organize to prepare for your new baby. I am 6 months pregnant and have hit “nesting mode”. I need to clean out my closet which I have already done twice this year. The problem with the first time is I cleaned it out to create space for the smaller closet I moved into, once I start living with my then boyfriend and now husband. The second time was because I couldn’t find anything and felt like I had nothing to wear. This third time is a mix of I still can’t find anything to wear and then realization that I am not ever going to wear this.  I found myself in bed the other night getting spammed by cute boutique dresses on Instagram. I look at my husband and yell “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GET TROLLED BY CUTE CLOTHES YOU CAN’T EVEN WEAR BECAUSE YOU ARE PREGNANT?! He calmly replies. No.  I mean look at the dress as I shove my iPhone directly into his face. F...
Read more