A Contractual Agreement

I was 25 and moved back to my hometown to be with my ex and try to make things work. I got a new job and was ready for a fresh start. We had been on and off for 7 years but this time was going to be different. I found an apartment downtown, a nice thirty five minute drive to my ex’s house. Far but not too far and I still had my independence with my own space to retreat to when needed.

Things started off great. We were 2 months away from my older sister's wedding and I was caught up in the blissful euphoria of thinking that my wedding would be next. It was the next step in our relationship. Just ignore all the damage and cheating that had been going on. Just focus on the check marks. Whoa… hold up. Who is this girl?

After a year of fighting, breaking up, and making up. Marriage became a topic of conversation. I had hit the point where I understood that if I had children with this person, I would be raising them alone. I also understood that infidelity would always be an issue. So at the point of settling. This was my compromise… I would agree to have children with him but I wouldn’t get married. In replace of marriage, I wanted a contractual agreement which would outline our relationship and “spousal” support for having his children. I treated it like a business agreement and of course, that did not go over well. Yes, I acknowledge its extreme but at the time in my life. Everything was so extreme that this felt like most manageable option if I wanted to continue my relationship.

If I wanted to continue my relationship...did I? Or was I trying to create the environment that would make him understand that he shouldn’t want to continue a relationship with me because I was refusing to accept him or give what he wanted. Fucked up across the board. I know. Needless to say this didn’t go over well. We broke up a few more times, as our toxic cycle continued, I finally hit my breaking point. A few months shy of being three years from when I moved back, I packed up all my stuff in the middle of a snow storm in January and left.

Fast forward to almost 3 years later and I’m reading a book about marriage with my boyfriend. He had previously been married and since I had not, we thought it would be good to explore marriage and what it means outside of a religious setting. Blocking out my previous negotiations with my prior ex, I open up the book The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists, and Rebels. Boom. In the first few chapters, a form of a contractual agreement is talked about. Not just a contractual agreement but marriages only based off an agreement to fill a need. For example, children, money, companionship, or caregiver. Forget the basic vows of marriage and the values I grew up on. These marriages were based off survival and procreation. Yes, it was a lot to process since I grew up watching Disney Princess movies.

It’s a slap in the face to see the reality of life. Although, at least I wasn’t as crazy as I thought for trying to negotiate a contract with my previous long term boyfriend. I was in survival mode. If I was going to survive in this relationship, this was what I needed. Not even considering the option of just not being in the relationship because it was too hard to just give up. Now after going through another shitty break up. I had to stop and think about what I had been compromising and if it was too much. Had I hit survival mode again?  

 

That's a hard question to ask yourself. Am I compromising too much? At this time... I think I am. But where is the line and how do you find a common ground? Boundaries are important but selfish people can't respect boundaries so instead of holding your ground, do you bend for the selfish person? I am naturally not a selfish person. My personality tests say I'm all but that. So I constantly find myself bending to the others needs. Battling to keep mine in the front. Hitting survival mode.Take the time to ask yourself these questions. You will probably learn a lot about yourself.

 

- Pineapples should respect you or else they aren't really pineapples. No more living in survival mode.

 

KM